Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Стояща тренировка

I'm not naming names but a friend who's name rhythms with 'Brave Sparrow' and runs a business sounding like 'Mashed bits' sent an email last night describing in detail a top secret Italian workout that was shared only to me in confidence just six months ago by a Turkish Shaman. The Shaman learned it from a Bulgarian cycling guru who visioned it after too many shots of bad Balkan vodka.  

I thought I was the only guy in this hemisphere with the sublime knowledge of this secret workout and am deeply troubled to find out otherwise.  I mean if 'Brave Sparrow' from 'Mashed bits' knows about it I'm pretty sure it's gone viral by now and tomorrow I'm going to see hundreds of Tri-Geeks on their insanely areo bikes w/ saddles entirely removed from their seat posts while they ride in the standing position for an hour and a half.

This highly advanced and clandestine training method is called the 'All standing' workout or Стояща тренировка in the Bulgarian vernacular.  The Pirate was great at the Стояща тренировка.  But I seriously doubt he ever trained it; being Italian and a natural climber n'all.

This stuff has been under wraps for decades.  It's uber top secret, honed for decades by the world's most advanced sport scientists working underground in lab coats.  It's so cutting edge in fact, that Trek is even rumored to be in development of a prototype frame specifically designed for it. They haven't determined a name yet but sources indicate 4U-Nonumbnuts is the front runner. 

Always one to donkey up and provide copious lip service, the UCI has gotten involved and contrary to everyone's surprise, they are against adopting the Стояща тренировка and the 4U-Nonumbnuts.  In fact, they are so put off by these progressions they are maneuvering their considerable resources into a para-legal team of one to halt Treks' frame production as well as stopping any further development of Стояща тренировка at the grass roots level in every cycle club on the planet.

Last week Pat McQuade spoke candidly to Jughead51 saying "We believe this training method and Trek's 4U-Nonumbnuts frame to be unethical advantages because they work really well? And because of this,  it is clear they represent a blatant breach of fair play and gross un-sportsmanship like conduct. Everyone spending thousands of dollars on lic.certified coaches & esoteric watts per k/g training plans could end up feeling a little frivolous. The sensible simplicity and effectiveness of workouts like Стояща тренировка make ultra structured coaching look a little unnecessary."   ?

1 comment:

  1. I know all about bad booze: