Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I do, I am

The last seven months have been meaningful.  Things are aligning with velocity and traction in several areas of my day to day life that I am thankful for.  This isn't accidental. There has been a really rough road to go down and an effort requiring absolutely all of my strength but things are migrating to positives now and I'm grateful to see their formation and realizing that all of my stepping back and sacrifice are likely to pay off with the opportunities I was hoping for. 

This winter training feels like a long lost friend.  Life's 'derailments' over the last 5 years interrupted what I considered to be a pretty progressive and productive training regime and athletic lifestyle I enjoyed very much.  Most of the derailments were personal choices I wouldn't change and some collateral I would but some things were just that stuff that steps in front of you and you have to deal.  In any event I am super high on the feeling that after years of spinning to get the 'hone' back it is all starting to take affect now.  My riding volume is back to where it was in 2002 & 2003 while riding with the Trek VW guys as the #1 ranked Cat 1 crit rider in the nation. This weekend alone I rode 220 miles which is unprecedented for me.  I'm just so grateful that my hip recovery is finally allowing this progression and I've decided to blog the process in order to reflect and appreciate.  It's my church I guess; a place I can share, confess and give.

2012 is a year where old school will meet new school for me. Without too much detail I will say that there is just no replacement for the labor of riding your bike a ton.  Hopefully it's a labor of love.  I know all about the benefits of training specificity and the like but for me to really have the flow, the chi of racing a bike there has to be an emotional transition from racing a bike as something 'I do' to something that 'I am'.

I'm not saying I'm going to pitch my life in order to become a great bike racer again but I am saying that for me personally this is a mental place I need to be in order make the necessary sacrifices.  When I say this it sounds simple but the reality of it is pretty intimidating, even scarey.  I've thought a lot about this recently and come to understand that it is a mindset to be careful with because of my natural fear of failure. This is fragile ground and it's just so much nicer & cozy to blame my training, focus, equipment, whatever.  Taking responsibility for my success puts me on call to myself to never ever fail and that's a damned uncomfortable and lonely spot to stand.  But if I don't do this it will be the biggest obstacle in achieving my goals. 

Well that's fuel for the day.  Time to roll.

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