Tuesday, January 31, 2012

la Course en tete

Lying down with your face embedded into a massage table is an easy place for a mind wander.  If you've ever had a massage or seen Eddy Merckx in la Course en tete you'll know what I talking about.  The Cannibal is getting rubbed down after a stage in the Giro that he won but his mind is a universe away reliving his day in vivid and glorious clarity.  It's an awesome scene and one I think everyone can transcend and relate to similarly when they're getting a massage.

Sometimes this can be a double edge sworn though because it cuts both ways.  For instance if you have not had a particularly good day there's a decent bet you're going to lay there reliving it and obsess over it.

I really need a massage right now and I've got one scheduled for 5pm tonight.  It's been over a year since my last one and I am really looking forward to the physical and emotional release of a great deal of tension.  However I had a conversation today illuminating issues I worry will echo in my mind like a tom-tom the whole time and greatly compromise, even ruin the relaxation and healing I am hoping for.

Everyone has stuff.  Nobody skates through life perfectly.  I'm not special but I do have a high tolerance for pain but even I realize just how wrung out I am over this.  At this point the truth is I'm dusted and don't want to worry about it anymore.  Not that I am ducking culpability because I'm not.  I will do whatever is necessary to make things better.  But having said that we are not always in a position to amend events just when we want to and trying to force the issue will get your ass a helluva lot further from the solution than closer.   Wishing upon a star, agonizing over what you should've done won't fix a damn thing either so all in all its just a tough spot.

A friend reminded me that most times the act of 'manning-up' is the best way to get over stuff and move forward.  So that's what I doing.  It feels more like a process than a single act but then again it starts with one decision so maybe it is just one thing. Regardless I have man'd -up and took what was coming to me and said my piece too.  I really hope things work out and believe in my core they will but for now whats done is done.  It's time now to wait and see.  That's all I can do.  That's all anyone can do.  We do our best.

Now bring on Course en tete.  Bring it in HD, censor-round & wide screen.  I just aged myself.

Be happy.

I do, I am

The last seven months have been meaningful.  Things are aligning with velocity and traction in several areas of my day to day life that I am thankful for.  This isn't accidental. There has been a really rough road to go down and an effort requiring absolutely all of my strength but things are migrating to positives now and I'm grateful to see their formation and realizing that all of my stepping back and sacrifice are likely to pay off with the opportunities I was hoping for. 

This winter training feels like a long lost friend.  Life's 'derailments' over the last 5 years interrupted what I considered to be a pretty progressive and productive training regime and athletic lifestyle I enjoyed very much.  Most of the derailments were personal choices I wouldn't change and some collateral I would but some things were just that stuff that steps in front of you and you have to deal.  In any event I am super high on the feeling that after years of spinning to get the 'hone' back it is all starting to take affect now.  My riding volume is back to where it was in 2002 & 2003 while riding with the Trek VW guys as the #1 ranked Cat 1 crit rider in the nation. This weekend alone I rode 220 miles which is unprecedented for me.  I'm just so grateful that my hip recovery is finally allowing this progression and I've decided to blog the process in order to reflect and appreciate.  It's my church I guess; a place I can share, confess and give.

2012 is a year where old school will meet new school for me. Without too much detail I will say that there is just no replacement for the labor of riding your bike a ton.  Hopefully it's a labor of love.  I know all about the benefits of training specificity and the like but for me to really have the flow, the chi of racing a bike there has to be an emotional transition from racing a bike as something 'I do' to something that 'I am'.

I'm not saying I'm going to pitch my life in order to become a great bike racer again but I am saying that for me personally this is a mental place I need to be in order make the necessary sacrifices.  When I say this it sounds simple but the reality of it is pretty intimidating, even scarey.  I've thought a lot about this recently and come to understand that it is a mindset to be careful with because of my natural fear of failure. This is fragile ground and it's just so much nicer & cozy to blame my training, focus, equipment, whatever.  Taking responsibility for my success puts me on call to myself to never ever fail and that's a damned uncomfortable and lonely spot to stand.  But if I don't do this it will be the biggest obstacle in achieving my goals. 

Well that's fuel for the day.  Time to roll.